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  *

  As Jess rushed out the door, briefcase in hand, Alex stumbled down the stairs, half asleep, frowning at the sight of Claire making herself a sandwich for lunch. “Are you ill?”

  “What? I normally always make my lunch.”

  “Since when?”

  Actually, Claire couldn’t remember the last time she’d made a healthy lunch.

  “It was just your chest she assaulted yesterday, wasn’t it? Can I have a look?”

  “It’s just salad and turkey.”

  “Not your lunch, your chest. Murray said it was pretty bad.” Alex pulled at Claire’s scrubs.

  Claire smacked her hand away, and Alex slumped on a stool, her head on her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m exhausted.”

  “What’s with you two this morning?” Claire asked, amused. “First Jess and the wink—”

  “She gave you the wink?”

  Claire stifled a laugh. “Yep, straight in the eye.”

  “But was it the wink?”

  “You know I know the wink,” Claire said.

  “Well, at least you got a wink as warning of what’s to come. In the dark, there is no wink. I think winking is Jess’s new idea of foreplay. Except as a warning, it’s useless when you’re asleep. I hated the phase she went through when she didn’t want me to touch her, but this sex crazed phase is just so bloody exhausting.”

  It wasn’t until that moment that Claire realised how lucky she was to have such great friends.

  “I was being serious, if not crude. Do you want me to do anything for your scrapes?”

  “How can you forget, while I’m actually standing here with the uniform on, that I’m a nurse?” Claire raised her eyebrows.

  Alex shrugged. “How do you feel about work today?” She was awake enough now to play psychologist.

  “I feel okay actually. A bit annoyed I guess. It could have been avoided, but other than that, I think I’m good.”

  “How about vulnerable? Do you have those feelings?”

  Claire considered this, and her response. “Yesterday I did. But Black was one patient out of hundreds, possibly thousands, I’ve nursed. The pendulum swung yesterday, but it feels back to normal now. The vulnerable people are the patients, not me.”

  Alex smiled, nodding. “Good.”

  “Good? Why does that sound like a loaded ‘good’?” Claire packed fruit in her cooler bag.

  “Emotional trauma is personally difficult for you to deal with, your response to Victoria leaving being the obvious example. Physical trauma, on the other hand, while undoubtedly leaving you in an emotionally heightened state, remains on the surface. You process your feelings straight away. It’s a good thing. Jean will want to see you more than once. My advice is to agree to whatever she suggests.”

  “I thought I dealt with Victoria leaving okay. It was the dreams that got me in trouble.”

  “Of course they’re interconnected, but it was the way Victoria left that sent you on a downward spiral. I imagine you felt hopeless and out of control when it happened. I think you blamed yourself entirely and that’s common when the other person has disappeared from your life. Those feelings manifested themselves in the dreams. You believed you drove Victoria away, you killed your relationship somehow and that’s why she left. Your reaction, while quite normal, became complicated by the dreams. You suppressed your feelings while you were awake, exercising the only sense of control you thought you had, but one can’t control the subconscious. It all came back to bite you when you were asleep. Vicious circle really.” Alex poured coffee.

  “So, I could have avoided it all by dealing with it immediately?”

  “Well, perhaps not all of it, no. But the dreams maybe, yes.”

  “I should have just blurted out the whole story, shouldn’t I?”

  “In theory, it would have helped.”

  “But I couldn’t even bear to say the words,” Claire said, recalling her pain.

  “I know.”

  “So, how was I going to fix it?”

  “It’s not easy. Why do you think I pushed you to see Jean? It was what you didn’t tell me, Claire. What you couldn’t say.”

  “Why didn’t you push me to talk to you if you knew there was more to it?”

  “Jess and I wanted you to stay. You can’t come home to your therapist.” Alex smiled.

  “But you knew there was more to it?”

  Alex nodded. “Much more.”

  “And do you think there’s more to the assault yesterday?” Claire was beginning to second-guess herself.

  “I doubt it. But talk to Jean.” Alex stretched and yawned. “I need a shower.”

  “I’ll say,” said Claire. “You stink of sex.”

  Alex snatched a tea towel to ball up and throw at Claire as she rushed from the kitchen, bidding Alex a good day.

  Claire cleaned her teeth and made a mental shopping list for the supermarket that evening. Finishing at seven made it difficult to contribute to the preparation of the evening meal, but she had volunteered for the following night and was going to make use of Jess’s underutilised slow cooker.

  Certainly, yesterday morning’s cheeriness was for an entirely different reason—Kathryn had still been the taste on Claire’s tongue—but this morning, Claire still managed a smile. Kathryn wasn’t the first married, straight person that she’d lustfully fallen for. Claire knew she wouldn’t be the last.

  “Good morning, Claire. I understand you’re upset with me, and for good reason, but can you spare a few moments to talk?” Kathryn’s voice barely remained steady as she stood in the hallway.

  Upset with you? For good reason? Talk?

  Not unlike children’s cartoons, the sound of a record player screeching to a halt, signifying the end of all happiness, rang deafeningly in Claire’s ears.

  Screeching.

  Silence.

  Who the hell am I kidding?

  A dark cloud descended.

  Kathryn stepped back.

  Claire clenched her fists. She locked her jaw tightly shut, fearing what may spew forth if given half the chance.

  She was hurt and there was no hiding it.

  Sweat poured from every pore in Claire’s contracted body. She could tell that the pulsing throb in her temple was visible because Kathryn stared directly at it.

  Claire concentrated on breathing, but it was no use. Her mouth engaged before her brain could prevent it. “Get out of my sight,” she growled, her voice low and tight.

  Kathryn raised her arms in defence. “I’m sorry, okay? But someone will notice pretty soon if we can’t even be in the same room together.”

  Claire threateningly stepped forward in response. It seemed her limbs now also worked independently of her brain.

  “Okay, okay.” Kathryn retreated further.

  Claire laughed, bitter and evil, at the power of her threat, a mere step forward.

  “Is this a joke to you?” snapped Kathryn. “Your warped idea of behaving like an adult is it? This will hurt Jess if you keep it up.”

  Claire became serious. “Leave her out of this. And don’t you dare lecture me on behaving like an adult.”

  “Jesus, you’re impossible. I’m so fucking sorry and you won’t even let me explain.”

  “Explain what?” Alex leaned in the kitchen doorway glaring at them both, freshly showered and dressed in jeans and a shirt, arms folded over her chest.

  Claire spun around but was too slow to hide her anger.

  Alex stepped forward. “Someone had better tell me what’s going on.”

  “It’s nothing, Alex. Sorry if we disturbed you,” said Kathryn.

  Alex smiled. “So, which bit of this nothing will hurt Jess?”

  And there it was. Alex’s trump card. She knew Claire would crumble at even the thought of hurting Jess. Claire lowered her head, knowing exactly where Alex’s attention would focus.

  “Claire? You want to tell me what’s going on?” Alex softened her tone.

  Claire stared at a
crack in the timber flooring and shook her head.

  “Claire, look at me.”

  Kathryn stepped in. “Look, Alex, with all due respect, this really has nothing to do with you. Claire and I have had a misunderstanding. We can sort it out like adults. Alone.”

  Uh-oh. Claire willed the ground to open up and swallow her. Kathryn had no idea what she was messing with, agitating Alex. Claire wasn’t keen to witness the result.

  “Claire, honey, look at me.”

  Kathryn huffed in the background.

  Pushing even further, Alex positioned herself between them and completely turned her back on Kathryn. “What’s Kathryn sorry for, Claire?”

  “Alex! I said this is between—”

  “Claire?” Alex pressed on, pretending that Kathryn wasn’t there. “What will hurt Jess?”

  “Claire, don’t answer that,” said Kathryn.

  “Look at me, Claire. What’s going on?” Alex reached out to her. “Claire?”

  Between all the yelling, the harsh tones, the threats, the implied warnings, and the constant talking, Claire heard silence. Silence was the complete absence of sound, but to Claire, it was a noise, a welcome noise that filled her ears and provided relief.

  Finally, she looked up. Alex’s mouth was moving, her expression concerned and tender. Kathryn’s mouth was moving, too. She looked afraid, and her brow creased as her skin reddened with every passing second. Thankfully, Claire heard neither of them.

  Claire turned and walked away. There was little to gain from hanging around. It seemed that everyone was upset. Explaining the situation wouldn’t alleviate any of the pain.

  Claire began to pack her bag for work. She guessed they must have still been talking, because now both Alex and Kathryn stood in her doorway, mouths moving.

  As she approached the door, they blocked her path.

  “Excuse me,” she heard herself say. However, no one moved. “Excuse me, please. Can I get through?”

  Alex stood her ground, her mouth moving less. Claire realised it would get physical now. She felt like she was writing the script as the scene played out in front of her.

  Kathryn will try to push past. She did.

  Alex won’t stand for that. She didn’t.

  Kathryn will reach for me in the hope of dragging me past Alex. She did.

  Kathryn grabbed Claire by the scrubs. Her contact was probably meant for her shoulder, but in the confusion, she made contact with her upper chest.

  Not again. Pain shot through her already tender wounds, and the noise and yelling flooded deafeningly back into her ears. Alex yelled, Kathryn yelled, and the pain burned.

  Everyone froze. Claire glanced beneath her top. Blood seeped from some of the deeper lacerations.

  “Jesus, Kathryn! Claire was assaulted yesterday.”

  “Assaulted?” Colour drained from Kathryn’s features.

  “It’s no big deal. I’m fine. Can you both just give me some space?”

  No one moved. “Please.” Claire raised her voice. “Get out!”

  She turned her back and heard the door close. Claire removed her top and surveyed the damage. When she turned around again, she wasn’t surprised to see Alex leaning against the closed door.

  In the absence of the first aid kit, and knowing that leaving her room wasn’t an option, Claire dabbed tissues on fresh blood seeping from her chest before replacing her top. The moment of truth had arrived.

  Alex never lost out in these situations. Avoiding this conversation indefinitely wasn’t an option. At least not one Claire was prepared to explore. Alex would be like a dog with a bone, especially if Jess were involved. Especially since Jess was pregnant.

  “I slept with Kathryn.” Claire’s tone was neutral.

  Silence.

  Alex sat. Her mouth twitched and Claire guessed she was seething. “When?”

  “Day before yesterday.”

  Realisation dawned. “Jesus. I assume it didn’t go well.”

  Claire laughed at the irony. “On the contrary, it went exceedingly well. Want the details?”

  “No, thank you. So, when did she have the meltdown that prompted her to sleep with a man to prove she’s not gay?”

  “I don’t know,” Claire said.

  Alex raised her eyebrows.

  “Honestly, I’ve no idea. First I knew of it, I walk in at the conclusion of what I can only imagine was fairly mediocre sex.” Claire had no evidence to assume it was mediocre, but she wished it were.

  “Jesus, Claire.”

  “If you keep saying Jesus, Alex, you’ll be sainted.”

  “Is she gay?”

  “I don’t know.” Alex raised her brow again. “If I hadn’t seen her with the bloke yesterday I’d have thought so.”

  “The fact that she slept with a man, obviously any man, so soon, indicates that she’s probably struggling with it all.”

  Claire glanced at her watch. Her appointment with Jean was at nine. It wasn’t even seven thirty, but she needed to escape.

  “Don’t even think about it.” She indicated Claire should sit. “From the beginning, please.”

  Claire relayed the events, but it wasn’t until she spoke about cleansing Victoria from her entire body, and the relief she felt afterward, that Alex’s expression softened. Unfortunately, at the first mention of Jess, the softness faded.

  “Really, Claire. How were you expecting this to unfold?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You keep saying that, but what worries me more than anything is that I don’t think you were thinking about anyone other than yourself.”

  “Christ, Alex, I’m only human. Kathryn is attractive and she wanted to get screwed by another woman. I wanted to get my rocks off and forget about Victoria. Where’s the harm?”

  “The harm,” Alex said as she gently rested her hand in the middle of Claire’s chest, “is in here. If your encounter with Kathryn was simply this incredible one-off that didn’t matter, we wouldn’t be sitting here now, would we?”

  *

  Kathryn felt like a child waiting for Alex to inevitably come to her room and have her say. She had made an error of judgement thinking Claire would understand. She imagined there would be women in the world that would find Claire’s reaction flattering, but she wasn’t one of them. She was hurting Claire and it felt nothing like flattery. The knock at her door caused her to jump.

  “What?” Kathryn was less than inviting. She didn’t need Alex to tell her she had behaved appallingly.

  “Can I come in?”

  Kathryn opened the door. “You should have left Claire and me to sort out our lives on our own. I mean no disrespect, but you don’t need to be here.”

  “If you two weren’t so impossible, selfish, and childish, I wouldn’t be standing here at all,” Alex said. “I’ve just come to make sure you’re all right.”

  “Claire told you?”

  “I know her better than you.”

  Kathryn had hoped Claire could keep their secret, but she knew she wouldn’t lie to Alex. She couldn’t blame Claire for her integrity. Neither of them had intended to hurt anyone. They had both behaved selfishly, but Kathryn’s selfishness ran deeper. Although it wasn’t her intention, she had used Claire. The guilt was oppressive.

  “She told me because she’s not coping and I doubt you are either,” said Alex.

  “I’m perfectly fine.” It wasn’t a complete lie. If things continued with Tony, she knew he could be good for her, but she hated hurting Claire.

  “Okay, if you say so.”

  Kathryn was taken aback by Alex’s withdrawal; she had assumed Alex would have much more to say.

  “Claire isn’t okay. So leave her alone please. Oh, and keep Jess out of this for the time being. I’ll decide the best course of action from here. Do you understand?”

  “You’re going to tell her?” Panic rose in Kathryn. She already felt ill with the guilt of what she’d done to Claire. If Jess found out, she’d kill her. “It won’t happe
n again. Do you really think it’s a good idea to tell her?”

  “You’ve put me in a very difficult situation.”

  “Back it up, Alex. You put yourself in this situation. You should have left it alone. This has nothing to do with you. It’s between me and Claire.” Kathryn put up a fight, but she knew Alex would do whatever she thought was best for Jess.

  “For the time being, I won’t mention it, but I’m so disappointed in both of you, not one of you gave Jess a single thought about how your little indulgent afternoon could affect her.”

  Kathryn stared at the ground. She had no comeback for a statement that was so completely true.

  Chapter Twenty-two

  Kathryn was surprised to learn that conducting a fledgling relationship with Tony while living in the same house as Claire was easier than she expected. She was successful at her interview and commenced work immediately. Claire’s shift pattern meant they were barely at home at the same time and rarely alone.

  Tony quickly became her Mr. Nice Guy. She had fallen on her feet with him, but as he liked to remind her, she had played a dangerous game the day they had first met. He was right, of course. Tony could have turned out to be a sadistic creep, and although she wasn’t entirely honest about her reasons for behaving the way she did, she made no apologies for going after something she wanted. Similarly, she made no apologies for her boldness in the bedroom. It was true, Claire had awakened something in her, and she was finding physical intimacy with Tony equally rewarding.

  Tony made her laugh, he sent her flowers, he hung a full-length mirror in his apartment, and after two weeks dating, he gave her a front door key. It was quick, exhilarating, and nothing like she’d experienced before.

  Jess was desperate to meet him. She said she wanted to meet the man that was making her so happy. She guessed Jess wanted to make sure he was nothing like Andy.

  When she thought about her marriage to Andy, Kathryn calculated that they made love, on average, about once every two or three months. Even then, it was a chore she would go to great lengths to avoid. In contrast, physical intimacy with Tony was at the forefront of their relationship. It was a complete revelation for her to desire sex and initiate it.