Keep Hold Page 4

  “Lucky you.”

  Claire shrugged, not sure how to respond, but she stiffened at the tone in Kathryn’s voice. “Well, it is what it is, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry, and forgive me if I’m out of line, but do you always cuddle up to my sister’s wife like that?”

  “Kathryn.” Jess’s tone was firm.

  “I’m just saying. I have a little experience in this matter, so don’t discount me offhand. Doesn’t it worry you? I mean your ex-lover and your wife, all snugly on the couch. This is how it starts.” Kathryn’s voice wasn’t raised, and her tone was even and polite, but if Claire were a betting woman she’d have put her house on the fact that Jess was insulted and not about to stand for the sudden change in direction of the conversation. Claire suddenly felt wide awake. The evening had taken yet another strange twist. She was interested to see where this one would lead. It seemed the new Kathryn wasn’t shy and unassuming like she remembered her to be.

  “You’re out of action for a while being pregnant and poor Claire was dumped recently? Can’t you see something wrong here, or is this the norm with you people?”

  Oh hell! Claire wondered if Kathryn even knew what she was saying. She’d had a lot to drink. Nervous and exposed, she became aware of Alex’s fingers gently combing through her hair. She moved to sit up.

  “Don’t you dare move, Claire.” Jess slowly rose from her chair.

  Alex placed firm pressure on Claire’s waist, forcing her to obey, and as uncomfortable as she felt, Claire knew they were about to witness a Supreme Court onslaught from Jess.

  “I’m sorry. That came out all wrong.” Kathryn raised her hands as a sign of surrender. “It’s just that they’re so familiar with each other. It has to worry you, surely, just a little.”

  “How dare you imply that anything other than honourable conduct is taking place here.”

  Honourable conduct? Yes, Crown Prosecutor Jessica Mercer was about to take flight. Old wounds were open now. Kathryn had stepped over the line.

  “Not a damn thing has changed with you, has it? You’ve been the same since the very second I told you I was gay. Everything I ever did, you viewed tainted with the fact that you thought I was a kinky, perverted dyke.”

  “That’s not fair, Jess,” Kathryn said. “I was young. You’re talking about a long time ago now.”

  “And you’re behaving like you used to; homophobic and childish. Homosexuality is not a disease. It’s not a lifestyle choice. It’s as simple as two people of the same sex finding a mutual attraction. We’re not perverted because we love women. Being gay doesn’t make us promiscuous or incapable of monogamy or in some way more or less sexually liberated than the next person, gay or straight. You were incapable then, just as you are now, of understanding that it simply means that some women are attracted to women. Why, Kathryn, must you judge my family by your own small-minded archaic opinions?”

  “Firstly, I’m not homophobic. This has nothing to do with sexuality, but thanks for the lecture. Secondly, you make a good point, Jess,” Kathryn said. “Claire isn’t your family. She’s your ex-lover. Why can’t you see the difference?”

  Claire hated being spoken about as if she was invisible, but neither she nor Alex dared become involved.

  Jess lowered her voice. “Claire is my ex-lover by your definition, Kathryn. By my definition, she’s like the sister who never gave up on me the day I told her I was gay. I trust her with my life, and my wife. You should learn to trust me.”

  It was nearing midnight, and the stunned silence signalled an end to the evening. Jess bent to kiss Alex, then Claire, good night, both on the lips, before disappearing upstairs. Kathryn thanked Alex for dinner before she, too, disappeared in the opposite direction to one of the downstairs guest rooms.

  Claire was gobsmacked. “Jesus. That was some way to end the evening. Where the hell did that come from?” She sat up at last, straightening the crick in her neck.

  “Her own experience.”

  “Of being a lesbian?”

  “No, you wally, of being complacent around people she thought she could trust.”

  “Oh, I see.” Claire was dead on her feet. “That’s why you’re the shrink and I’m the nurse.”

  Alex sighed, rubbing her temples and yawning. “But I guess this is where you and I have quiet, sneaky, cheating sex.”

  “It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.”

  “Come on, kiddo, get your kit off.”

  Alex slapped Claire on the backside when she teasingly began undoing her jeans.

  “Better still.” Claire grinned wickedly. “I vote we take it upstairs and enjoy our weekly threesome.”

  They both rose from the couch, Alex hugging Claire good night before heading for the stairs and adding, “I’ll summon the bondage chicks from the cellar.”

  Claire trudged toward the hall. “The slaves will just love this late hour.”

  “Night, Claire.”

  “Night, Alex.”

  Chapter Four

  It was three a.m., and Claire woke soaked in sweat, hoping to God her screams were only in her dream. She scrambled to switch on the light. She wanted to go home. Or more specifically, she wanted to do absolutely anything to avoid sleep.

  Living little more than ten minutes’ drive from Jess had its advantages. She’d walked there on a couple of occasions. It had taken less than two hours, and as the thought developed from a whim to a possibility, Claire became intent on having an excuse to fill two hours with something other than sleep.

  When her life was normal, Claire was like a bear with a sore head without eight hours’ sleep. Even after a night shift, she could sleep soundly until mid afternoon. This last month she’d barely managed one hour without interruption. She dressed quickly and stumbled through to the kitchen and into the living room, unable to remember where she left her keys. Fucking hell. Where are they?

  Claire hated feeling out of control. It left her heart racing and her mind floundering because of a gaping hole where order and calmness used to be. She knew anxiety originated in your head, but it was her chest that struggled under the crushing pressure. Her fuse was short and her tolerance level teetered on zero.

  The cushions on the couch were the first casualties. She threw them across the room, delving her hand between the seats only to find crumbs and a few stray coins. Her head began to throb, but it didn’t stop her from clambering on her hands and knees searching under the couch, the coffee table, and even the writing bureau that she’d not stepped anywhere near the entire evening.

  Close to tears, she kicked the table. The pain must have jolted her memory. The bowl! She hopped her way into the kitchen.

  “What are you doing?” Alex switched on a light and emerged from the staircase in her robe. “Bloody hell, Claire, what’s happened?”

  “Oh, hi, Alex. I’m just leaving.” Claire used her sleeve to wipe her eyes. “Forgot where my keys were though, but I’ve found them now. Look, thanks for a great night.” Claire’s tone was impossibly chipper. It never once occurred to her that it was the complete opposite of her appearance.

  “You can’t drive, little one. You’ve had too much to drink.”

  “Oh, Alex, I’m not driving, silly. I feel like a walk. I’ll be home in no time.”

  Alex stared. “Claire, it’s the middle of the night. Your house is ages away, and it’s not safe in your condition.”

  “My condition? Nonsense, Jess is the pregnant one. I don’t have a condition.” She attempted to laugh.

  “Have you slept at all?”

  Alex moved to touch Claire, but she backed away. She was on the edge and she daren’t risk falling.

  “Claire, when was the last time you slept?”

  Claire snapped. “God damn it, Alex. Why are you so fucking interested in my sleep patterns?”

  “Shoosh. Steady on. You’ll wake Jess.”

  “Jess is already awake.” They both turned as Jess entered the kitchen, moving directly to close the
hall door. The last thing they needed was Kathryn joining the party. “What’s going on? It’s three in the morning.”

  Claire stood with her hands deep in her pockets, her keys firmly in her grip. “I want to go home.”

  “Fine, then I’ll call a cab and take you.” Jess smiled.

  “I’m perfectly capable of catching a cab on my own.”

  “Are you?”

  The intensity of Claire’s rage increased. “It’s true isn’t it? Kathryn’s right. Why are you even down here, Jess? Don’t you trust me with your wife?” Claire spat the words like venom. “I can take myself home. I wouldn’t want you to waste your time.”

  “Claire, you’re out of line,” Jess barked, but Alex gestured for her to back off.

  “It’s no waste.” Alex’s tone gave nothing away. She filled a plastic tumbler with water. “Here, you look like you could use a drink.” She handed it to Claire, who had to remove her hand from her pocket to accept the drink. Claire immediately regretted doing so. Her hand shook uncontrollably. “I’ll stay with you tonight, and then in the morning, Jess can come and collect me. Deal?”

  “No, it’s not a fucking deal.” She threw the half empty tumbler across the counter.

  Alex ignored her insolence. “You never answered the question, Claire. When did you last sleep?”

  “Fuck the both of you. I don’t need to hear this shit. Quit acting like my fucking parents!”

  “What are you taking, Claire?” Alex asked.

  “Nothing.”

  “Then why are you shaking?”

  “I’m cold.”

  “No, you’re not.” Alex moved closer.

  “What, now you’re my fucking thermostat?”

  “What are you taking, Claire?” Alex inched even closer and Jess manoeuvred to block Claire from the door.

  “I’m fine.” Claire shivered to the point of chattering teeth. “You can’t keep me here. I want to go home.”

  “Okay, I’ll take you.”

  “No.”

  “But you said you wanted to go.”

  “Alone. I want to go alone.” Claire fought back tears as her shivering increased.

  “So you can take more pills?”

  “Yes. No. It’s none of your business.” Claire hunched over.

  “What are you taking?”

  “Nothing!”

  “You’re sweating.”

  Claire was a shivering, sweating mess. “God, Alex, just leave me alone.”

  “Why don’t you want to sleep, honey?”

  “Go away!”

  “Claire, look at me. Why don’t you want to sleep?”

  Claire began to hyperventilate. “It hurts. It’s awful.”

  Alex gave Jess a quick nod.

  “Honey.” Jess’s tone was soft and gentle. “We need to talk about this. You need help. Please tell me why you won’t sleep.”

  Every joint in Claire’s body ached. Her head felt like it was being compressed in a vice and she was cold, so cold. They were closing in on her. Jess from behind, Alex from the front. Then there was Victoria, filling her head completely, relentlessly pounding against the vice that caused the smothering pressure. Escape seemed impossible. The room began to spin, slowly at first, then with fierce, nauseating speed. All Claire could do was close her eyes. The spinning white light turned to black, and that was all she remembered.

  She woke a minute later, flat on her back, legs elevated. As Claire’s eyes adjusted, an overwhelming urge to vomit swelled in her. Alex unceremoniously produced a bucket.

  The contents of her satchel covered the coffee table. Two energy drinks, caffeine pills, and sinus capsules sat on the edge. Jess was slowly replacing the rest, and Claire could tell she was disappointed.

  Claire sat up to sip water and explain. “Every time I sleep, I dream about her. Victoria. Every single fucking time. Not just normal dreams, but awful ones. Through something I’ve done, intentional or not, she dies. Either way, I wake feeling worse than the day she left.”

  “What was your dream about tonight?”

  The horror was still so fresh in Claire’s mind. “I chased her into the Yarra River and held her head under water until she drowned. Until her body went limp.”

  Jess sat next to her on the couch and pulled her close. “How long has it been going on?”

  “About four weeks now.”

  “You don’t want to sleep, do you?” asked Alex.

  “No, it’s not that exactly. I’m barely functioning. I need sleep, I just don’t want the dreams. I thought I had it under control. It wasn’t a big deal in the beginning…”

  “And now?”

  “I keep a diary. I’ve documented a total of seventy-two different ways to kill Victoria. Drowning her in the Yarra River was seventy-three. I mostly just kill her now. She doesn’t get a chance to hurt me anymore. I hunt her down and don’t rest until she’s taken her last breath.”

  The nightmares were not only visually disturbing, but also each time she woke, shaking, sweating, and frightened, she was transported back to the moment Victoria left.

  “Where was your head at a month ago when the dreams began?”

  “I was in a good place. I remember the day clearly. It was the first time I’d woken and not been disappointed I was alone. Victoria hadn’t been my first thought. It had been a good day. It felt like the first day of the rest of my life. Then it all went tits up that night.”

  “You killed her in your dream?”

  “Not murder as such. I at least started with an accidental death.”

  “Building up to it eh, kiddo?” Jess smiled sympathetically.

  “Something like that. I chased her on foot through Chatswood Shopping Centre, and she got run over by a delivery van when she tried to escape and burst through a fire exit onto the street.”

  “But the dreams have changed since then.”

  “In the beginning, the deaths were unintentional. I’d chase her, accidentally poison her, crash a car we were both in, or one time I clumsily tripped up and knocked her down a lift shaft.” Jess suppressed a laugh. “Now they’re just gruesome and disturbing. No more accidents, just psycho old me trying to end her life in the most horrendous way possible.”

  Alex brought her a glass of hot milk. “So, let me guess. You tried to knock yourself out with alcohol and that’s what landed you in strife at work.”

  Alcohol hadn’t been the answer. It was a recipe for disaster. Going to work stinking like a drunk with a cracking headache was unprofessional. She’d received a formal warning for having alcohol in her system after a not-so-random alcohol and drug test. It was the first time in her life she’d suffered disciplinary action at work. Claire was so embarrassed about her reprimand she hadn’t told anyone, let alone Jess and Alex. Then it dawned on her. “Murray.” She shook her head. “So much for patient doctor confidentiality.”

  “Well, technically, she’s not your doctor.”

  “No, she’s supposed to be my friend.”

  “Which is why she told us,” said Jess.

  “So how many hours’ sleep are you averaging per night now you’re taking all this shit?” Alex pointed to the stimulants.

  “Hardly any. In the beginning, I tried to knock myself out with cough syrup or antihistamine pills, but that just sent me to sleep. I couldn’t wake properly from the dreams, and sometimes I’d end up killing her twice.”

  “Taking all this isn’t the answer, Claire.” Jess waved the packet of sinus pills in her face before tossing them across the table.

  “I’m trying to be grown up about this. I know feeling better will take time; I was just going to take them until I felt better and the dreams stopped.”

  “Oh, sweetheart, your plan is flawed.” Jess kissed her cheek. “You’re avoiding the root cause of the problem and only treating the symptoms. And avoiding sleep is madness. How long could you keep this up? Dealing with the dreams and what they mean will be far easier when you can think straight. Trying to walk home in the midd
le of the night is hardly thinking straight, my love.”

  “I’m sorry for speaking to you the way I did earlier. I’m such a knob.” Feeling ashamed was becoming too familiar.

  “Do you feel better now you’ve talked about it?” asked Alex.

  “I do, but I didn’t have to act like an idiot to get your attention, did I?”

  “Well, I won’t argue with that.”

  “And please tell me you know that I didn’t mean a word of what I said? I feel like Jekyll and Hyde, but instead of good and evil, I’m more like tired and evil.”

  Alex left, Claire knew what for, and she returned minutes later with the spare room doona over her shoulder, and a small white pill.

  “Temazepam, right?” Claire only hesitated briefly before swallowing the sleeping pill without protest.

  “Got it in one. Enough kick so you shouldn’t dream though. You’re upstairs with us for the rest of the night. Come on.”

  Claire knew better than to argue, and frankly, she wanted this episode to end. “First, can you please tell me that we’re okay, that I didn’t ruin anything tonight?”

  Alex and Jess wrapped their arms firmly around her.

  “Oh, poor Kathryn will be suspicious now.” Claire’s sense of humour hadn’t deserted her, at least.

  “Fuck Kathryn,” Jess and Alex replied in unison.

  “And we’re okay, I promise,” Jess said. “Just don’t do it again or I’ll put you over my knee.”

  “Now you’re talking.”

  Alex walked off shaking her head.

  Although the main bedroom and upstairs living area were in one open space, a five-foot high wall separated the two areas, and Claire snuggled down on the couch. Jess sat with her until the sleeping pill took hold and, although frightened to let go, the sensation of being so utterly exhausted was too enticing to fight a moment longer.

  Chapter Five

  At three a.m., Kathryn was tempted to see what all the fuss was about, but a dry mouth and the dull thud in her head caused her to think better of it. After all, she’d made a right arse of herself earlier in the night.

  She’d heard raised voices, mostly Claire’s, but unless she was called upon or it was an emergency, she thought it best to remain out of the way. By four a.m., the house was silent again and her mind was doing that jumbled half awake, half asleep dreaming before she drifted off. She was struggling to put the vision of Claire and Alex out of her mind. It had been the same with Andy and Diane, and the feeling of betrayal that gripped her then, exactly as it did tonight, was something she feared she might never shake.