Keep Hold Page 6

  Claire rolled off the couch before huffing and puffing her way toward her room. “Talk about pushy.”

  Kathryn laughed. “That was my subtle approach.”

  “Then let’s pray you never have a sledgehammer in your hands,” she called.

  *

  That evening after dinner, Claire listened as Jess broached the subject of her flat. Apparently, Jess’s colleague, a first year prosecutor, was in the market for somewhere to rent while his house was being constructed. She’d mentioned to him that she might have the perfect solution.

  Claire hadn’t been ready to admit she couldn’t afford to stay on now Victoria was gone. Confession time had arrived.

  “I have to give it up anyway. My single wage isn’t enough to cover the rent.”

  “Not even with a few extra shifts?” asked Alex.

  “Not even if I pimp myself. I’ve just about used up all my savings.” Keeping the flat would mean permanent night shift, six days a week. Although small, her home was in an expensive suburb, and the near new flat came with a hefty price tag. “Honestly though, it would mean all work and no play. I can afford to stay until the end of next month, but that’s it.” She sighed. “I’ve been putting off thinking about it.”

  “Well, let’s keep what’s left of your savings in the bank, sublet to James, and you can stay here for the time being.”

  Claire rolled her eyes.

  “What’s the big deal?” Jess looked pleased with herself.

  “I feel like a case.”

  “Claire, honey, you are a case. At the moment anyway. But that’s not why you should stay. This is what friends are for. They help out. You’re a bit of a mess at the moment. A good reason to stay. You can’t afford your current place. Another good reason to stay, plus we have enough room here for a good few months yet. After that, this place will be a natural disaster zone and you’ll be long gone and in no hurry to return.”

  “It just feels so pathetic.”

  “It’s not pathetic at all. Instead of pathetic, just imagine that everyone thinks of us like Kathryn—weird, kinky, sex fiends. Nothing to do with shitty dreams and a crap time at work and Victoria leaving.”

  “I heard that,” said Kathryn from in front of the TV. “And for what it’s worth, Claire, I think you should stay.”

  Claire found Kathryn’s input surprising, but then she had been consistently surprised by her the entire day. She suspected that Alex had asked Kathryn to keep an eye on her. She was further surprised when Kathryn made up the excuse that she wanted to get fit, and tagged along for the run. And she was unfit. Claire had to jog on the spot and wait every few hundred metres or so.

  Then, after lunch, Kathryn provided some welcome company on the way to counselling. There were many great cafés and second-hand bookshops not far from Jean’s office, but Kathryn wouldn’t have known this unless Alex had told her. Regardless of her motivation, and although Claire remained guarded, they enjoyed a pleasant afternoon.

  She had cried at counselling, and then again when she met Kathryn for coffee. Claire suspected Kathryn had done her fair share of crying when she broke up with Andy. Misery loves company, and she seemed to understand completely.

  With the options now on the table, she realised she could either object to moving in with her rather average excuses, or save them all time by simply agreeing. Either avenue would lead to the same outcome. “Is Alex okay about it, too? I mean really okay about it?”

  “Yes, Claire. We’re all okay about it.” Jess raised her eyebrows. “So, can I tell James we’re all good to go?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” It seemed so final.

  Jess took her hand. “I know it’s where you set up home with Victoria. I know it’s hard to leave it all behind, but I think it’s the best thing for you. You’d be silly to hang on to the place, eating away at your savings, for sentimental reasons. You have to give it up sooner or later. Alex and I think sooner is the best option.”

  Alex had joined them. She gave Claire’s shoulders a tight squeeze. “We’ll get you through this, I promise.”

  “You shouldn’t have to.”

  “And you shouldn’t have to cope with what you’re going through on your own. I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

  Silent tears came again. She couldn’t hold it in. It was such a big decision.

  “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “I’m sorry for crying all the bloody time, and I’m not taking it like that. It’s just…” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words. But she didn’t have to.

  “She’s not coming back, Claire.”

  “I don’t want her to, honestly. I just want to know where I went wrong. She’s made her choices, I respect that, but I wasn’t a mean person. I thought I was a loving person. I thought I was giving her what she wanted.”

  “You need to stop beating yourself up,” said Alex.

  “You don’t understand. How is anyone going to love me if I can’t even work out what I did wrong?” Being alone didn’t frighten Claire, being lonely did. She was questioning her capacity to love.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, honey.”

  “Then why does it feel like I’m a polar bear who’s losing her mind because she’s freezing fucking cold?”

  Kathryn switched off the TV and joined them at the table. “It’s okay for Victoria to have fallen out of love with you.”

  “I know that.”

  “And it’s actually okay for her not to invite you to go with her, not to want you there, not to want to try a separation for a while instead of breakup, and in fact it’s okay for her to leave you. End of story.”

  “I’m not sure you’re helping,” said Jess.

  Claire sighed and rubbed her tired eyes. “No, I get it.” What Kathryn was trying to make her realise was exactly what Jean had challenged her on earlier that day. “It’s okay for her to do those things because that’s who she is. And because even though I wouldn’t, she has chosen to and that’s her decision, not mine.”

  “Exactly. She made her choices,” said Kathryn. “Shit choices, hurtful and selfish choices, but her choices nevertheless.”

  Alex pushed her chair away from the table. “Right, well that’s me out of a job. Who wants a coffee?”

  “I think you’re well rid of her and that oversized coffee machine her bitch mother took,” said Jess.

  Claire smiled. “She was a bitch, too, you know. I bet she thinks that because Victoria left me, she’s finished with women. Plus she’s too stupid to work out how to use the fucking machine.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  Claire turned to Kathryn. “Thanks for today. I know it couldn’t have been much fun, but I appreciate your company.”

  “I had a good time, actually. You have a kind heart, Claire. Any nurse worth her soul does. Perhaps you and Victoria just weren’t right for each other. One day you’ll realise blaming yourself is useless.”

  “God, I hope so.”

  “And it will be a great day, trust me.”

  Claire turned to Jess with renewed enthusiasm to move things along. “What about the lease agreement on the apartment?”

  “I’m a lawyer, a damn good one, too.”

  “If she doesn’t say so herself.” Kathryn winked.

  “As I was saying…” Jess frowned. “I’m a lawyer and I’ll get it sorted. Don’t worry about a thing.”

  A sense of relief settled in Claire allowing her anxiety to subside. It wouldn’t last though. She gave it until the morning when she would wake, heart fluttering at the thought of taking that huge step. Giving up her home wouldn’t be easy.

  With the TV off, not an unusual occurrence, they all played Scrabble. Naturally, Jess won, filling the board with obscure legal terms, and eventually everyone complained and insisted a card game was more appropriate. At least if luck played a part, they’d all be in with a chance.

  Pushing herself to the limit of tiredness, Claire joined in until e
very card resembled the one before and her eyes struggled to remain open. “I’m going for a run at seven in the morning if you’re interested,” Claire said to Kathryn.

  “Seven?” Kathryn spat out the word like it had been stuck in her throat. “That’s a bit early, isn’t it?”

  “I need a morning routine.” Claire rolled her eyes. “Well, Jean says I do.”

  Alex scowled. “Jean’s right.”

  “Seven isn’t even that early.” Claire grinned.

  “Oh, okay. Or maybe we can wake at seven and go at quarter past?” Kathryn made a pathetic face and Claire gave in.

  “Right. Seven fifteen.”

  “Excellent. Will you wake me?”

  “Really? You want me to wake you?”

  “Yes, please. I hate alarm sounds.”

  “You might hate my sounds.”

  “Maybe. We’ll see. So, seven then?” Kathryn grinned.

  “On the dot.”

  Claire dutifully collected her sleeping pill from Alex, and after bidding everyone good night, retreated to the solace of her room. She felt physically and emotionally exhausted. Her hour with Jean had taken its toll, and for the first time, she was looking forward to sleep. The feeling comforted her.

  With the aid of her iPod softly filling her ears with the relaxing sound of rain, Claire drifted into a deep sleep within minutes.

  At 4:06 a.m., she woke breathless and drenched after another horrendous dream. This time, she shot Victoria in the back of the head on the runway at Tullamarine Airport. She had chased her relentlessly through Melbourne and finally caught her moments before boarding a jumbo jet. The piercing gunshot woke her.

  Claire grappled for the light, disorientated. The familiar surroundings gave her mild comfort before she remembered these were her new surroundings. The thought of never spending another night in her own home saddened her. Worried she may have screamed, she listened for any movement in the house.

  Nothing.

  Silence.

  The dreams scared her like nothing she had experienced in her life, and she struggled to contain her breathing and regain her composure. She threw off her sweaty T-shirt and replaced it with a dry one. Searching for another antidote, Claire reached for her notebook. Being alone scared her, but she was relieved no one was coming. She was determined to fix this herself.

  Claire concentrated on breathing steadily as she retreated under the covers and slowly read what Jess had written, as Kathryn had done the night before. Jess’s words brought a smile to her face, but upon completion, she flicked the page and noticed that Kathryn had also written in the notebook:

  Why I like Claire O’Malley, by Kathryn Mercer.

  I like Claire because she demonstrates a loyalty to her friends that I have yet to experience. Claire taught my sister how to cook. What’s not to like about that? I like Claire because, faced with a life-altering circumstance, she has the foresight to acknowledge she needs help and the courage to accept it. I also like how she sacrifices good exercise to put up with me breathlessly lagging behind. Finally, I like Claire because I think she’ll put up with me long enough to become good friends. Sleep well, Claire. X

  Claire did sleep well. No more dreams of Victoria haunted her, and she woke to the sound of her alarm at seven on the dot.

  Chapter Eight

  “Claire!”

  The painful screech pulled Claire up, and she swung around to see Kathryn writhing in a heap on the ground holding her lower leg. “What happened?”

  “I twisted my ankle trying to dodge that pile of shit.” Her genuine wincing indicated she was in considerable pain. “Why can’t people just pick up after their fucking dogs?”

  Claire had never heard Kathryn swear before, and it didn’t sound right, albeit amusing. Claire retraced her steps. There was indeed a pile of poo near Kathryn, now spread in a long skid configuration across the grass. Her ankle had already begun to swell. “Well, you’ve certainly done a job on that.”

  “Should I take my shoe off?” Kathryn gasped at Claire’s poking and prodding.

  “No, best to leave it on.” Claire was almost certain nothing was broken but probably sprained. “Come on, you poor old thing, let’s get you to that bench. I’ll run back and bring the car to collect you.”

  “Hey, less of the old, thanks, you little upstart.” Her face distorted in pain. “I know I’m old to you, but I’m not even forty. You could learn something from us more experienced ladies.”

  Claire removed her T-shirt, revealing a black sports bra top, and tightly bound the injured ankle as best she could with the shirt. Again, her lack of clothing seemed to make Kathryn uncomfortable. Claire wasn’t sure why and chose to ignore it. “I used to date your sister, remember? I know exactly what I can learn from an older, more experienced woman.”

  “You cheeky brat.”

  Claire smiled and watched curiously as Kathryn’s eyes darted from Claire’s face to her chest and back again. For a brief moment, their eyes met before a flash of colour returned to Kathryn’s cheeks and she looked away, embarrassed.

  “I should elevate it, right?”

  Claire nodded and supported the ankle as Kathryn swung her legs onto the bench next to her. “How’s the pain?”

  “It’s fine. Nothing some paracetamol won’t help.”

  “You’re a rubbish liar.”

  “What? I’m hardly going to faint over a sprained ankle.”

  “I’m a nurse. I can tell when someone’s in pain.”

  “All right, smarty pants nurse, it’s not exactly tickling, put it that way.”

  “I’ll be as quick as I can.” Claire dashed off at a brisk pace, pleased to be blowing out the cobwebs and running with real purpose. A part of her enjoyed Kathryn’s company, but another part couldn’t wait until her fitness improved and she could keep up.

  Claire hadn’t expected anyone to be home, but Alex was about to head out the door. “Where’s Kathryn?” Alex sighed. “Did you two have words?”

  “She twisted her ankle.” Claire headed straight to the fridge for an ice pack.

  “Oh, no, is she okay? Do you want me to come along, take a look at it?”

  Claire raised her eyebrows, glaring at Alex. “Are you serious? I’m a homeless, sleep-deprived nurse, not bloody useless.”

  “You’re right, of course. I forget you’re even a nurse sometimes.” She leaned to kiss Claire good-bye, but hesitated, obviously thinking better of touching her sweaty face or body. “Call me. Let me know how she’s getting on.”

  “I will, I promise.”

  “And, Claire, you’re not homeless.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

  “Oh, and where’s your top?”

  “Kathryn likes it when I wear the bare essentials.” Claire flashed a cheeky smile.

  “Get out of here.”

  *

  “Wow!” Kathryn looked genuinely impressed. “That was quick.” Then she looked deflated. “I really must slow you down if you can run home and drive back quicker than we ran here.”

  “If you were serious about running, which I’m guessing you’re not, I’d be happy to train you up to speed.” Claire removed her T-shirt and applied the ice pack before rewrapping Kathryn’s ankle.

  “Why do you think I’m not serious?”

  “Well, didn’t Jess or Alex put you up to this? To keep an eye on me?”

  Kathryn sighed. “I will say one thing about people your age; they have an inflated sense of self-importance.” Her tone was not playful. “No one put me up to babysitting you. The entire world doesn’t revolve around you and your breakup, Claire. Bad things happen to good people every second of every day. You’d do well to remember that.” Kathryn hobbled to the car.

  “Here, put your arm around me.”

  “I’m perfectly capable, thank you. I don’t need your help.”

  *

  One of Kathryn’s biggest regrets during the aftermath of breaking up with Andy was her blind self-centeredness. She lost a g
ood friend by not being able to think of others at a time when she was learning to rebuild her life and at a time when her friend needed her to be the strong one. She would be doing Claire an injustice if she allowed her selfishness to go unchecked.

  Guilt was her weapon of choice. Kathryn refused to allow Claire to make her breakfast, and she continued to dismiss her offers of help all morning. It was nearing midday when she finally stretched out on the couch, ankle elevated, coffee in hand, freshly showered. It had been a long day already.

  “I’m sorry, Kathryn.” Claire gently set the newspaper on Kathryn’s lap and retreated.

  Kathryn looked at her watch. Claire had taken longer than she anticipated to apologise. “Hang on, don’t say that and leave.” Kathryn smiled. “I’m not trying to be a smart-arse, but what are you sorry for, exactly?”

  “For not being able to see past the end of my own nose.” Claire perched on the edge of the coffee table.

  “That’s a good start.”

  “Victoria left me. She made me miserable and she made a laughing stock out of me. I don’t need to humiliate myself any more than she has already. I’m sorry I assumed you were babysitting me. I’m glad you’re running with me. I enjoy the company. Well, that is until you get puffed and can’t speak any longer.”

  “I can see Victoria left you with your sense of humour at least.” Kathryn frowned. “We poor old things might take a little longer to get fit, but I’ll get there.”

  “Ah, yeah, about that. I’d have called you a poor old thing regardless of your age, so I’m not apologising for that. Who cares about age? Jess is six years older than me, and Victoria was four years younger. Some of my closest friends are over fifty. In my book, if you’re a twat, you’re a twat regardless of your age.” Claire stood and winked. “Plus, have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re hardly a crusty old wench.” She left.

  Kathryn could feel herself blushing. She looked in the mirror all the time, well, no more than the average person, she presumed. It just never occurred to her that a thirty-one-year-old lesbian would compliment her like that. What exactly had Claire meant? Surely, Claire wasn’t attracted to her. Perhaps she just found Kathryn attractive.