Keep Hold Page 11

  Kathryn stood in the bedroom doorway. “If you just take a swipe at me now, get it over and done with, will that make you feel better?”

  Silence. Claire perched on the edge of the bed fidgeting with the hem on her shorts, staring out the window, her back to Kathryn.

  “Jesus, Claire, why won’t you even look at me?”

  “I don’t want to hit you.” Claire’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I can’t believe you think I’m even capable of that.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t really.” She cleared her throat, relieved they were communicating. “Can I come in?”

  Claire nodded.

  “Jess has forgiven me.”

  “I know. I’m glad.”

  “But I don’t have your forgiveness, do I?”

  Kathryn knelt in front of Claire, gaining her undivided attention. “I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am. I was so out of line, Claire. I’ve felt sick all day with worry.”

  Claire finally looked at her.

  “I have no excuse. Well, not one I understand yet, but I do know I made a monumental mistake. I know you and Jess aren’t having an affair. I’m just so sorry I made you feel bad.”

  “I don’t want you to think of Jess like you do. She’s not capable of cheating, not Jess. She loves Alex.”

  “I know. And I love Jess.”

  “But the way you spoke to her, it was awful.”

  Kathryn wasn’t sure if she could explain any of it in further detail, but Claire was engaging with her; she couldn’t shut the conversation down now. “I behaved appallingly. I’m ashamed. I guess after seeing you the other day at your place, I know how vulnerable you are. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Kathryn inhaled deeply. She’d left her comfort zone and was winging it now.

  “So if Jess and I were sleeping together, it’s Jess’s fault because she should know better and because I’m vulnerable right now?”

  “Well, you should both know better, but I can’t see that sleeping with Jess would be helpful right now, no.”

  “I can look after myself, you know. You don’t have to protect me, least not from Jess.”

  “I know that now, but please realise that although the outcome was a disaster, I honestly was trying to look out for you.”

  “You called me a whore.”

  “No, I didn’t. I would never do that, but I used the word, and I accept that what I said had the same effect. I’m so very sorry, Claire.”

  “Victoria used to say that Jess treated me like a whore.”

  “Ah, Jesus, Claire.” Kathryn took Claire’s hand. “I was an idiot. Please don’t think I’m like Victoria. I’m not like her at all. I truly was only trying to look out for you.”

  Claire grinned crookedly. “Maybe don’t look out for me anymore.”

  She knew it was a joke, but it hurt a little. “How about I just do it better next time?”

  “You think there’ll be a next time?”

  “I don’t think you pick and choose who you like to look out for. I think that just happens. One day I’ll look out for you so good, you’ll wonder why you ever doubted me.”

  “Then okay,” said Claire.

  Kathryn dropped her head. “Phew. Friends again?”

  “Sure. Plus I’m sorry, too. I don’t know what got into me in the garden.”

  “I got into you…”

  Claire smiled fully this time.

  So did Kathryn. “Okay, bad choice of words. So can we please go back to the way we were?” She laughed. “I didn’t even beg Andy this much.”

  Claire nodded, and as soon as she smiled, Kathryn wrapped her arms tightly around her.

  Kathryn couldn’t be sure, but she thought she felt Claire inhale deeply. She certainly felt her relax into the crook of her neck and the arm that encircled her waist was holding her solidly, not the half-hearted embrace you’d expect from someone who only minutes ago wasn’t speaking to you.

  Kathryn’s world appeared to have shifted on its axis. She briefly wondered if Claire felt the same.

  Chapter Fourteen

  :You’re not really homophobic, are you?” asked Claire.

  She and Kathryn were relaxing on a picnic blanket under the shade of the willow tree. The garden was looking fantastic and Kathryn sat using her laptop to update her résumé. Claire was just being lazy reading Rolling Stone.

  “What? You should warn someone first before you ask an insulting question like that.”

  Kathryn was wearing glasses. Claire noticed she only wore them reading for long periods or when she was using the computer. They suited her. They especially suited her when she looked over the top, exactly as she was doing now.

  “Well, you’d hardly want to live in a house with three lesbians if you actually were homophobic, surely?”

  “I like living with you all. While I was married, I always imagined I’d much prefer to be living with a woman. In fact, I quite fancied the idea of living in a commune for a while.”

  “I suppose you are old enough to be of that hippie era.”

  Claire ducked an attempted clip around the ears.

  “I watched The L Word and Queer as Folk.”

  “Wow, well you’re practically gay then.”

  Kathryn shoved Claire this time. “Let me finish. I think growing up I was Jessophobic.”

  “I can’t wait to hear this.”

  “I think I just got tired of being compared to my younger sister. It came as a shock when she became the golden child. I’d had that title and it was taken from me and given to her.”

  “But you were a child,” said Claire.

  “Yes, I’m explaining how this all came about if you’d shut up.” Kathryn waited a moment. “When Jess came out as a lesbian, I was fifteen. She was thirteen and so damn sure of herself. It was the one thing I knew my parents weren’t over the fucking moon about and I played on it. I was living in the shadow of my younger sister and at last I had some ammunition.”

  “But you don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay?”

  “Of course not,” said Kathryn. “Although, I admit I don’t have any gay friends that I know of, except you now, so my opinions have probably been a little tainted by Shane from The L Word.”

  “Shane? Why her?”

  “Well, even this boring old accountant can tell she’s hot.”

  Claire couldn’t argue with that.

  Kathryn put the computer down. “Will you read through this later, make sure I’ve not made any glaring errors?”

  Claire nodded and put down the magazine. She was ready for a snooze.

  “Would you like me to read to you?”

  “Pardon?”

  “Sorry, that’s an odd thing to ask, isn’t it? I’ll just read to myself if you don’t mind. Forget I mentioned it.” Kathryn opened the magazine.

  “No, I’d love you to read to me. I used to ask Victoria to share what she was reading all the time, but she never did, something about it being her time in her head.” Claire boldly rested her head in Kathryn’s lap. “Please, go ahead.” She closed her eyes.

  Kathryn began reading an article on Mumford & Sons. Claire was interested, but by the third or fourth paragraph, the words began to jumble in her ears, and when Kathryn rested her warm hand on Claire’s shoulder, her mind began to wander somewhere else altogether. She loved that feeling only moments before sleep, and she realised she loved it even better with her body close to Kathryn. Kathryn’s soft voice filled her ears, but she couldn’t distinguish the words. Who needed words? Claire let the floating sensation of sleep begin to take her. She let her body sink into the blanket on the grass, her head deeper into Kathryn’s lap, and her mind deeper toward sleep.

  It was just like old times with Jess.

  Jess?

  Holy shit!

  Claire sat bolt upright and the magazine poked her in the eye on the way through.

  “Are you okay?” Kathryn asked.

  Claire had long since been over her feelings for Jess,
but this was Kathryn, not Jess. She shook her head. Nope, the feeling of attraction lingered.

  It’s Kathryn!

  It dawned on her that perhaps Murray was only half right. Yes, Kathryn was the object of her attraction, but it was nothing like a little crush, it was full blown attraction. She was comparing Kathryn to Jess. She was a goner.

  “I’m fine, but I just remembered I have to do something.” Claire dashed inside and directly into a cold shower.

  Chapter Fifteen

  It was becoming a ritual now. Kathryn hated the word habit. It conjured up images of white powder and a runny nose, but the last thing she would do before sleep was to replay the video of her and Claire dancing. Every night.

  Claire was drunk and delirious from sleep deprivation, but it couldn’t take anything away from their closeness in stance and the tenderness in Claire’s voice and actions. However, it wasn’t Claire that shocked her the most; it was the sight of herself allowing the exchange to happen. Hundreds of times, she watched the clip to see if she flinched just once, if she looked at all uncomfortable, or if her body portrayed even the tiniest hint of displeasure. Nothing. Finally, she had to admit she liked looking at herself touching Claire and she liked Claire touching her.

  Of course, it was just a silly little infatuation that would pass in no time at all, but she was conflicted. Should she enjoy the feeling while it lasted, or fight it? In those last few minutes before sleep, she chose to watch the video and enjoy every moment.

  After the seventh run-through, she put her phone down and turned over, curling into a small ball. Her mind filled with thoughts of Claire. It made her smile. Claire made her smile. She was a genuinely nice person, a funny person. She knew exactly what Jess had seen in her.

  Kathryn had delayed sleep for so long now, she needed to go to the toilet again. Dressed in only a long tank top, she tiptoed down the hall.

  “Can’t sleep either?” Claire’s loud whisper made her jump.

  “You frightened the life out of me.” She self-consciously tugged at the hem of her top.

  “It’s too hot to sleep, isn’t it?” Claire’s old T-shirt barely covered her, and she caught Kathryn looking. “I don’t sleep in this grotty thing. It’s just to protect your modestly if you see me going to the loo.”

  “My modesty?”

  “Yeah, I don’t want to embarrass you.”

  “Me?”

  “I’m playing with you.”

  Kathryn caught up. “You’d think I’d be used to this kind of heat. I often used to cool down with a swim before bed. Jess and Alex should really consider a pool, you know.”

  “I think Alex’s love for the big willow tree might be the issue with that. Did you actually swim or just take a dip?”

  “A dip mostly,” said Kathryn.

  “A skinny dip?”

  Kathryn nearly choked on her laugh. “Have you forgotten our conversation about Andy?”

  “Oh yeah, that’s right. Have you ever been skinny dipping?”

  “Only my top half and only once.”

  “Would you consider doing it again?” asked Claire.

  “In what? The bath?”

  “I’m game if you are.”

  Kathryn blushed but thankfully, the dull light wouldn’t give that away. “I’ll leave you to your bath.” Kathryn returned to her bedroom.

  “Hey.” Claire stood in her doorway. “I know a place we can skinny dip. It’s about five minutes’ walk from here, but you have to be real quiet.”

  Kathryn’s interest momentarily piqued. “I suppose we’ll be breaking in?”

  “Let’s just say we don’t exactly have an invitation. Come on, trust me on this. It’ll be fun.”

  “You want me to come with you to a pool, break in, skinny dip, and then come home?”

  “Got it in one.” Claire threw a pair of shorts at her from the cupboard. “You chicken?”

  The old Kathryn would have thrown the shorts back and promptly retreated to bed, but the new Kathryn pulled up the shorts and slipped on her running shoes. “Flip-flops will be too noisy.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  At eleven twenty-eight, Kathryn and Claire slipped out the front door and headed toward the local swimming pool. She hadn’t been a part of anything this adventurous since the time she slipped out in the middle of the night to meet Andy and her friends at a bonfire. She’d been seventeen. Running through the streets in the middle of the night would have given her a buzz except her ankle was still rather tender. She pretended her hurried hobble had the same effect.

  They arrived at the pool and Claire looked decidedly chuffed with herself.

  “Okay, Sherlock, how do we get in?” asked Kathryn.

  Claire took Kathryn’s hand and led her up the far side fence behind a thick hedge. She stopped in front of a huge pylon. When Kathryn looked up, she realised the pylon was providing support for a low section of the waterslide that jutted out over the fence. In fact, the fence had been lowered to accommodate the slide.

  “The idiots measured it wrong, but because it’s a council pool and this adjacent land is council parkland, they just left it on the outside of the fence,” said Claire.

  “Do I look like a monkey or a pole dancer who can climb that?”

  Claire pushed her between the fence and pylon. “It’s a good foot or two lower than the actual fence. Trust me, it’s easy.”

  Kathryn surveyed the area. All she could see at the top of the fence was barbed wire. “Um, I just like having the one arsehole, thanks very much. That wire will cut us in two.”

  “Have faith.” In a swift motion, Claire used the rivets on the pylon to launch herself upward. Within seconds, she was gone.

  “Where the hell did you go?” Kathryn hissed toward the fence hoping Claire was on the other side.

  “Just do what I did. There’s no barbed wire under the slide where it goes over the fence. It doesn’t look like there’s enough room, but there is.”

  Kathryn cursed, and if she had the space, she would have paced back and forth mulling over the decision.

  “Come on,” said Claire. “Put your good foot up first, grab the top of the fence, and haul yourself over.”

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Kathryn launched herself exactly as Claire had. Convinced she would knock herself out on the underside of the slide or rip herself to shreds on the barbed wire, she held her breath and hoped for the best. The top half of her body slipped under the slide with ease, but her legs dangled down and her middle hurt with the fence poking into it.

  “You’re supposed to do it all at once, not stop halfway,” said Claire.

  “Tell that to my sprained ankle and my poor old body.”

  It looked about as elegant as a hippo in the ballet, but Kathryn pulled her legs up and scrambled down the other side. “Ouch!”

  Claire was laughing too much to be of any real help.

  “This is breaking and entering, you know.” Claire was walking off. “I doubt the police will just have a laugh with us and send us home when we get caught.” She followed Claire. “I can’t believe you talked me into this.” Claire rounded the corner and was out of sight. “I’ve managed to make it to nearly forty without a criminal—”

  Kathryn stopped in her tracks. Claire stood on the edge of the pool naked.

  “Well? Your turn.”

  Kathryn gulped.

  “We’re just two friends going for a swim. What’s there to be afraid of?”

  “You have an amazing body.” Kathryn couldn’t help staring.

  “Thank you. But it’s all feeling a little one-sided right now.” Claire eyed her. “Come on, get your kit off.”

  Kathryn hesitated. She wasn’t sure she could do this, and the fact that she couldn’t take her eyes off Claire was disturbing.

  Claire stepped toward her. “You have a beautiful body. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  Kathryn froze.

  “Is it the fact that I’m a lesbian? Because you don’t have t
o worry about that, I see naked people all the time. We’re just two girls who deserve a bit of fun in our lives, right?”

  “Don’t watch then.” Kathryn found her voice. The urge to do this with Claire somehow overtook her urge to flee. Facing Claire’s back, she undressed then placed her hand over Claire’s eyes. Together they stepped to the edge of the water. “Keep them shut until I’m in.”

  Claire nodded.

  Kathryn slipped into the water before the desire to push her naked body against Claire’s overwhelmed her. “It’s beautiful.” The sensation of the tepid water flowing over every part of her body was exhilarating. She watched Claire quietly glide into the water and submerge.

  For many moments, Claire remained unseen before breaking the water directly in front of Kathryn. “Worth it?”

  “Yes, it’s worth it.” They swam around each other. “I haven’t felt like this in years.”

  “You know what? Neither have I.”

  The information shocked Kathryn. She imagined someone like Claire led a highly exciting and adventurous life.

  “What shall we do next, then?” Kathryn was suddenly full of adventure. “Bungee jumping, skydiving, scuba diving? I’ve always wanted to scuba dive,” Kathryn said.

  “What about some of life’s other bucket list items?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like the more accessible things,” said Claire.

  “Oh, you mean like making a cake mixture and eating it all before you bake it. I always wanted to do that as a child.”

  “Not so much.”

  “I know, staying up all night eating junk food and watching movies from the eighties?”

  Claire sighed in frustration. “How about kissing a girl?”

  “What?” Kathryn forgot to keep treading water and swallowed a gulp of chlorinated pool water as she sunk.

  “It’s just a thought.”

  “But we already kissed.”

  Claire looked wild with mischief. “That’s not the type of kiss I’m suggesting.”

  “Are you serious?” Kathryn had no idea what to do, especially because the thought of kissing Claire wasn’t altogether appalling. “Plus, you’ve kissed loads of girls. Is this my bucket list or yours?”