Keep Hold Page 19

  “I’m running,” Claire stated the obvious.

  “We need to talk. I think away from the house is best, don’t you?” Kathryn smiled. “Please? Then I’ll leave you alone.” Away from Jess and Alex was really what she meant, not the scene of their two sexual encounters or their endless flirting and innuendo. She hadn’t forgotten about Jess in all of this, she just had to prioritise her feelings as best she could.

  Claire relented. “You’re up early.”

  “I didn’t sleep much.” Kathryn shrugged. “Plus, I really wanted to talk to you. I know you well enough to know that after last night, you’d try and run it out today.”

  “Go on.”

  Kathryn cleared her throat. “Thank you for last night.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. Jesus Christ. What are you going to do next? Offer me a couple of hundred for my services?”

  “Claire, just give me a break here, all right? I’m trying to explain to you what is about to happen.”

  Claire folded her arms.

  “It’s also clear to me that you and I have something going on.”

  Kathryn saw the look of hope in Claire’s eyes. It made what she was about to say even harder.

  “But it has to end,” Kathryn said softly.

  “Why?”

  “Because I don’t know who I am. I’m not who I thought I was, and that’s come as quite a shock.”

  “But I can help you. We can do this together.”

  “I want to do this on my own. I don’t know how long it will take, and I can’t ask you to wait.” Kathryn remained calm. She’d rehearsed this speech a hundred times now. “Regardless, under my sister’s roof is hardly the place to find myself bedding her ex-lover.”

  “So, let’s move out.”

  “I can’t afford to. Not yet.” Kathryn smiled sadly. “And neither can you, Claire. Plus, I want to reconnect with Jess. I want to help her as much as I can before the twins arrive, and I like living there. The timing is all wrong.”

  “And you won’t have to deal with being a lesbian while your sister provides a constant reminder that she used to fuck me and that you are too scared to admit you have feelings for me that run far deeper that anything you have ever experienced with any man.”

  Kathryn shrugged. “Maybe you’re right. But that’s my choice.”

  “And you won’t ask me to wait?”

  “That’s not fair to you, Claire. You know I can’t do that.”

  “Do you want me to wait?”

  Kathryn shook her head. “I’m not answering that.”

  “Give me some credit here, Kathryn, and let me make my own choices. Do you want me to wait?”

  Kathryn hadn’t expected the conversation to end this way. She had honestly thought that Claire would, at best, hear her out, but ultimately flounce off when she said she couldn’t be with her. The thought that Claire might wait an undetermined period of time for her to get her life together hadn’t been a consideration. “If, when the time comes that I have sorted myself out, you happen to be single and still interested, I imagine I would very much like to explore what that means.”

  “Fine.” Claire stood. “Then I’ll wait.” She sprinted off into the distance.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Not surprisingly, after a little time to absorb things rationally, Claire wondered what she had been thinking. Waiting for Kathryn to come to terms with her sexuality was probably the worst idea she’d ever had. It was a sentence to an unknown period of torture, self-doubt, and an endless string of fantasies and masturbation.

  Notwithstanding every negative aspect of her decision, she actually had a plan. Well, not so much a plan, more of an ethos. Claire was determined to be one hundred percent herself. She would allow Kathryn to see her disappointment, her fears, her anger, her compassion, her love, but most of all, she refused to hide the genuine tenderness she felt for her. If Kathryn was going to turn her down, Claire wanted to make sure she knew exactly what she would be missing.

  A pattern emerged where Claire would sneak into Kathryn’s bedroom when the house was quiet and crawl beside her in bed, taking her into her arms. On some occasions, they would merely sleep, on others Claire would kiss Kathryn, tell her she was beautiful, and expect nothing in return. In fact, Kathryn never reciprocated any terms of endearment and she never went to Claire’s room. She also never invited Claire in, nor asked her to leave. In the post-Tony confusion and with Claire’s offer of time to allow Kathryn to find herself, it seemed Kathryn had become incapable of demonstrating any form of affection.

  What developed became an unspoken bond of companionship, alarmingly easy for them both, but with no actual further development until Kathryn gave the word.

  Claire was fraught with concern. There was no doubt Kathryn wanted Claire around; they practically did everything together, but it was so confusing. She attempted to talk to Kathryn about her sexuality, about how Claire initially struggled with being a lesbian, and although Kathryn listened, nothing seemed to penetrate her indifferent mindset.

  *

  On a Sunday afternoon, weeks after Kathryn had requested thinking space, they were finishing some household chores. Claire had been working a string of night shifts and finally had a few days off. She’d barely seen Kathryn in the last week.

  She’d suggested dinner and a movie.

  “It sounds like a date to me.” Kathryn neatly folded her washing before carefully placing it in her drawers.

  “Why?” Claire lay face down on the bed flicking through a magazine wondering what the big deal was. “It’s just food and the movies.”

  “Because,” Kathryn sighed, “that’s what people who are dating do.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll ask Ruth. She might be up for it.” Claire wasn’t calling her bluff. She would prefer to go with Kathryn, but she and Ruth had become friends since she joined the ED, and a lazy Sunday evening out was appealing.

  “You seem to be spending a lot of time with Ruth these days.”

  It was true. Things had progressed at work socially, and a few of the nurses went out regularly. Claire had never gone out one-on-one with Ruth though.

  “I like her. She’s turned out to be a good mate.”

  “Is that all there is to it?”

  Claire grinned openly. “She’s straight and I’m not interested.”

  “You have a thing for straight girls though, don’t you?”

  “No,” Claire replied. “I have a thing for confused girls.”

  “Come on then, Casanova, where are you taking me?” Kathryn lounged on the bed beside Claire.

  “Well, first, I’m taking you to a classy restaurant where you can sit and eat a kilo of raw steak while some nice little ladies jelly wrestle at your feet.” Claire struggled to pull off a common Australian bloke drawl. “Then the movie will be some adult contemporary drama that will appear at first glance to be a porno, but I can assure you it’s adult entertainment at its best.”

  “You sure know how to show a girl a good time.” Kathryn left to freshen up in the bathroom and Claire pumped the air with her fist.

  She had expected stronger opposition from Kathryn, but she wasn’t complaining. The sheer fact that Kathryn had even equated dinner and a movie to a date was one thing, so readily agreeing to it, well, that was something else altogether. Claire hurried to prepare, not allowing Kathryn any time to change her mind.

  *

  Dinner had been casual and delicious with them sharing both their main meals and dessert. Claire insisted that sharing was the only way to evenly distribute the garlic when eating Italian, and although Kathryn rolled her eyes, she didn’t protest. In fact, walking to the cinema, Kathryn didn’t move away when Claire looped her arm through hers and allowed the sides of their bodies to touch indiscriminately. Claire felt lightheaded.

  Kathryn eyed their closeness and their entwined arms.

  “I don’t think we look like mother and daughter, if that’s what you’re hoping for,” said Claire.<
br />
  “No. I’m hoping we look like two friends who’ve had a delicious dinner and who are now off to the cinema.”

  Claire shrugged, allowing Kathryn to believe her own delusions. She decided to leave the conversation alone when two young men approached showing them a little more interest than necessary.

  Not surprisingly, Claire felt Kathryn tense and begin to withdraw her hand. Claire tightened her grip, refusing to break contact.

  As the men drew nearer, Kathryn said, “This is a bad idea.”

  “We’re fine. Just breathe.”

  Almost level with them now, the men both smiled broadly as one tipped an imaginary hat and joyfully said, “hakuna matata” before going about his business.

  Kathryn ripped her hand from her pocket, untangling Claire’s grip. “What the hell? Can’t two friends even walk down the street touching each other these days? What the fuck was that?”

  “Calm down, Kathryn. They were only—”

  “No! I won’t calm the fuck down. They have no right to treat us that way. Well”—Kathryn stumbled on her words—“they have no right to treat you that way.”

  Claire gripped Kathryn’s shoulders firmly. “Have you seen The Lion King?”

  “What?” Kathryn frowned impatiently. “What has that got to do with anything?”

  Claire took her phone from her pocket. “Google it.” She proceeded to spell hakuna matata while Kathryn stroppily typed the letters.

  Two seconds later, Kathryn stood bewildered. “It means ‘no worries,’” she muttered.

  Claire took back her phone. “Yes, exactly. It’s not an insult. Those men thought we were together. They were probably a couple themselves, and frankly, they have every right to be pissed off that we can do what they can’t—hold hands or openly touch each other. Instead, they’re happy for us. That’s what hakuna matata means.”

  Claire linked their arms again and left Kathryn to mull it over. They walked in silence to the cinema. Kathryn appeared deep in thought.

  *

  “That was my worst nightmare back there,” Kathryn said in Claire’s ear.

  The movie was yet to begin, and the seemingly endless string of advertisements would end soon. Claire simply nodded.

  “I’m sorry,” Kathryn said. “I don’t know what else to say.”

  Neither did Claire. While the message from the men was one of togetherness and positivity about gay sexuality, all it seemed to do was drive the wedge deeper into Claire’s heart, signifying that Kathryn might never be ready to be herself. If Kathryn wasn’t ready to be herself, then she certainly wasn’t ready to be with Claire.

  Kathryn nudged Claire with her elbow. “Popcorn?”

  Claire smiled but shook her head.

  “Drink?”

  Again, Claire shook her head. She simply wanted to watch the movie and pretend Kathryn was her girl. It would probably be the last time she would offer to take Kathryn out. It all felt out of her hands now, out of her reach, and Kathryn felt like she was so far away from her.

  Claire felt a soft hand cup her cheek and turn her head. She looked directly into Kathryn’s eyes.

  “Kiss?”

  “We shouldn’t,” Claire found herself saying, much to her own dismay. Her focus, however, remained on Kathryn’s tender touch.

  “I really want you to kiss me, Claire.”

  Claire hesitated. She wondered where her wants and needs came into the equation. “I know waiting for you was my idea, and although you haven’t said anything of the sort, I know that’s exactly what you want me to do. You never object to me climbing into your bed, to me kissing you, to me holding you, to our outings. I think you even want me to take you to dinner, walk arm in arm with you, and do all the things I’m doing, but what about what I want you to do for me? What you should want to do for me.”

  Claire let the question linger. Kathryn’s hand dropped.

  “I want you to kiss me, Kathryn. For once, give a little.”

  Kathryn straightened, facing the screen. Claire wasn’t finished.

  “I’ll wait for you, Kathryn, but not like this. The rules have to change. I’m giving you space on one hand, but then when we’re like this, I know you want more, but you want me to be the giver every time. In the corners of your mind, the absolution your lack of initiation for our kissing or touching gives you is false. It’s allowing you to continue to pretend you’re a straight woman who’s simply allowing a lesbian to do things to her.”

  A tear fell into Kathryn’s lap.

  Claire continued. “You know I want you. I don’t fear admitting that, but it’s not enough. It’s up to you now. The ball is in your court. If you want a kiss, then kiss me, if you want sex, then initiate it. If you want to hold my hand, hold it. I feel like I’m working to wear you down, to woo you into submission, and it feels all wrong. What I should be waiting for is you to decide, and from now on that’s what we’re going to do.”

  “Wasn’t that what I originally asked for?” countered Kathryn.

  “Yes, it was. I’ve taken it too far. I thought I could make you fall for me again, but you’re different now, you’re so closed up. I should have behaved as you asked. I’m sorry. You’re not ready. I know that now.”

  The movie began and Kathryn remained silent. Finally, she asked, “Will you see other people?”

  Claire sighed. “Maybe. I hadn’t thought that far.”

  They watched the movie and drove home without speaking another word.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Kathryn was tired of the struggle. The constant battle to keep her emotions in check was leaving her exhausted and short tempered. The endless debates with herself regarding her feelings and actions left her questioning her choices at every juncture.

  Claire was distant. It felt like they had regressed to the day she accused her of having an affair with Jess. She had hated the feeling then, and she hated it even more now.

  She longed for Claire’s tender touch. The yearning was relentless, and predictably, bedtime was the worst. In the end, she would let her mind wander into thoughts of Claire just to fall asleep after fighting the desire for hours.

  Her favourite new pastime, if you could call tormenting yourself a pastime, was sitting in the busy coffeehouse near her work and staring at the men walking by trying to decide if she fancied any of them. Of course she did, she wasn’t blind, she knew even Jess could spot a handsome man in a crowd, but the thought of anything other than looking at them was far from appealing.

  Kathryn considered joining a salsa dancing class, joining a clay pigeon shooting club, learning golf, or perhaps her best idea to date was to learn sports massage so she could rub down some footballers after a tough game. Eventually, she seriously considered the possibility that she was going insane. The thought was both frightening and charming.

  There was nothing she could do to erase her thoughts of Claire. Nothing.

  Claire had been right, she’d been deluding herself all this time and now that Claire had removed herself from Kathryn’s life almost completely, the loss was inexplicable.

  During a late evening stroll after a particularly tough day, she devised a plan. Claire had gone with Ruth for drinks yet again, and Jess and Alex were on a date night. Kathryn had cooked dinner, but Claire didn’t have time to eat. She couldn’t even be annoyed about the effort she’d gone to cooking, because Claire had already told her she might not be home. Faced with a huge pot of curry she no longer had the appetite for, Kathryn dished out lunch sized portions into plastic containers and left them on the bench to cool while she took a walk.

  The evenings were cooler now, and autumn was slowly draining colour from the urban landscape. She liked a place where the seasons had a distinct look and required distinct clothing for the conditions.

  The streets were littered with evening walkers, and she briefly enjoyed being part of the little “after dinner walkers” subculture, albeit anonymously, until she realised she was possibly the youngest person out walking
without a dog. Perhaps older people saw more merit in utilising every minute of the dwindling daylight. Everyone greeted everyone else in a kind manner and she vowed to walk again the following evening.

  When there was no one around to nod at or say good evening to, she was again left with her own thoughts. They were reaching the desperate stage and she had to move forward, she had to get a decent night’s sleep, and she had to stop snapping at her assistant because the chocolates she was continually buying as an apology were sending her broke.

  Step one on her road to recovery came to her while she watched a teenage boy chase after a dog that had obviously absconded. The dog loved the game. He probably wondered why he hadn’t tried it before, especially as he was now being bribed with treats. Step one was all about perception. She realised she had to change hers.

  Her idea was groundbreaking and simple; she would no longer fight her attraction to Claire. There was no way she was acting on it again, that was a certainty, but all the effort required to hold it at bay was punishing. Finally, the dog willingly allowed the boy to pick him up. Game over.

  Her relief at just making that one decision was enormous.

  That night, Kathryn went to bed early, touched herself while imagining a fantasy involving Claire and her in the back alley behind a nightclub, orgasmed once and slept soundly until her alarm sounded at six thirty. Nine hours’ sleep and she woke feeling fantastic.

  Step one was a keeper. It astounded her that she hadn’t thought of it earlier.

  She ran into Claire at breakfast.

  “Morning,” said Kathryn.

  Claire eyed her from head to toe. “You sound chipper today. Is it Saturday? Have I forgotten to sleep in again?”

  “Nope. It’s only Friday, sorry to disappoint you.” Kathryn held a mug aloft, silently offering a coffee.

  Claire shook her head. “No, thanks. I think I’m nearly late.”

  “Okay. Maybe next time.”